Who Is My Neighbor?
This scream is uttered with nearly pubescent-level
searing pain and angst in my 48th year of life.
So, thanks for letting me voice that.
Oh god, I don’t want to go here. I am feeling very deeply disappointed in myself; bad, even; for not being able to make something good come out of what I live because the constant and extreme pain I endure, colors my world in dark swatches of black and blue.
I miss the kind, thoughtful and happy person I used to be.
I am, currently beat to hell, physically and emotionally.
Shall I explain, briefly?
On the one hand, my culture has become the sick and twisted parents of my youth.
This being (parents and culture, by turns):
Cold – Uncaring for the well-being of those severely disabled while cutting funds for help for the same even further than they already are.
Cruel – My insurance and my doctor teamed up for six years to taunt me with the ABILITY to take tests, diagnose, and treat the cause of my painful existence, but then sadistically REFUSING to over and over and over. I stopped going to see the doctor, regardless, until I suddenly dropped an unexplained 28 pounds in 2 months. Still, he “forgot” to order the tests. Et cetera, et cetera.
Legalistic Protestants – This is the worst, as they are Legalistic Protestants with an AGENDA; namely, “Go to Hell!” Strangely, I don’t need to translate that one. What was my parent’s cult now calls itself “mainstream America”, “family values” and “Christian” by turns (the most famous of these is the Christian Coalition), the far right wing that took over the white house completely at the turn of this millennia. It’s the same thing as my parent’s “jesus freak, holy roller, bible thumping, slain-in-the-spirit” cult: just All Grown Up. Most people didn’t consider them real "Christians" when they arrived in the 60’s, quietly through the back door of congress, the media, and the social sub-conscious.
So, match my emotional reaction to this
as a long scream of “Noooooooooooooo!”
and add to it
my 24/7, level 10, screaming physical pain.
What a combination!
My world is too dark for me to see at this point.
I have lit a candle in a dark corner and
am writing from there to tell you these secrets, dear reader.
If we were to count level 1 pain with hour 1 of a 24-hour day
Followed, matchingly, (level 2 = hour 2, etc)
I endure approximately 240 hours of the most
severe pain I have experience in my life
every single day.
My society’s “health care” has seen fit to provide me with 6 hours of level 7 pain; equal to 42 hours what they call “relief”…
…so that I have “only” 198 screaming pain hours per day.
Oh! What curse is it?
To grow to adulthood
And watch one’s culture and society
Over a couple of decades
Slowly turn into a horrifying caricature of my own
Cruel, abusive, juvenile, neglectful
Are those thus cursed
The permanent martyrs of the world
Or have they actually done
Something to deserve this treatment?
And I can predict, that the most chilling thought/murmur/shout in response to this writing (should it ever be read)
from the America I live in today, would be
which is a severe put-down combined with intense disgust and distrust
for having expressed my human emotions.
Who is My Neighbor?
Because I don’t recognize my neighbor anymore.